The thought of recovery scared me to start with – BPD was my life – it is all I knew.

hi my lovelies today I am doing a video
request from Linda hi Linda and Linda
asked what if you're addicted to your
illness so it got me thinking can we
actually be addicted to our illness now
I kind of know about addiction because I
was a drug addict
um and addiction is basically something
where we can't stop something even
though we want to and and it's having
like a really detrimental effect on our
life and it's causing us harms and we
still can't stop so is it possible for
us to be addicted to our borderline
personality disorder and it got me
thinking um I think yeah we can I mean
addiction isn't just we can be addicted
to drugs we commit it alcohol we can be
addicted to television we can be
addicted to shopping you know and yes I
think we can be addicted a borderline
personality disorder and the reason for
that is one we are humans we are
creatures of habit we do not like change
and I I don't even like change now and
what we've got to remember if we have
borderline personality disorder whether
we got diagnosed yesterday whether we
got diagnosed a month ago or whether it
was years ago just because that's when
we got the diagnosis that's not when our
borderline started we have lived with
this for years this is who we are this
is our life and like I said we don't
like change the thought of recovery in
the beginning for me filled me with fear
because although I have described it as
being on an emotional
the coaster take a real rollercoaster
example it makes you feel sick you don't
know what's going to come the turns and
that but we still go on it
and accept me actually that's a complete
lie to be honest I'm so scared of roller
coasters but yeah maybe that's a really
bad analogy but anyway for me this wrote
emotional roller coaster it was my life
I was used to it and the thought of
getting off it and just being like
seemed really boring because yes I had
the highs although there were few and
far between and the lows were so so
devastating but when I had really bad
lows like when I tried to commit suicide
and ended up in a hospital when I
when I'd throw myself out a moving
vehicle and after a row with a partner
when I smashed my head off walls till my
head was all bleeding yeah I fell in
complete turmoil I had hit crisis point
it did not feel good at all and that's
why I reacted the way I reacted but then
you have people around you people around
my hospital bed
people asking if I'm okay it was
attention now I'm not saying it was
always good attention because it wasn't
but it's like a child who's little and
who craves attention sometimes they
misbehave and are really really naughty
because they get in trouble now getting
in trouble is not good attention but its
attention and so they do it and for me
it was very much like that yes it wasn't
always good attention
people talking they got people around me
and all of a sudden I start hitting
prices pouring less and less and less
because I'm coming into recovery and all
of a sudden I don't have people around
my hospital bed anymore because I'm not
in a hospital they don't need to be
there I don't have people ask me about
why I've cut my arms again because I
haven't cut my arms and I think with
borderline we have that fear of
abandonment anyway and even though they
weren't abandoning me I felt like they
were I felt like no one cares anymore no
one asks me how are you because they
didn't have to but for me I took it as
they were abandoning me and it was
really really scary and in the beginning
and if I went say a certain amount of
time we being okay and everyone seemed
to think I was okay and I was getting on
with my life
I would often sabotage it and do
something to end up back in hospital so
I had people around me again so I had
that tension again because I craved here
like I said I didn't like change I
didn't want I'd like recovery was the
unknown to me borderline personality
disorder was my life that is the only
way I had lived my life with this
illness and all of a sudden I'm told
hang on you can manage it and you're not
going to have all this claim run anymore
that didn't actually excite me at all to
start with as I because as much as my
illness caused me to try and commit
suicide caused me to self-harm
gay it was just absolutely devastating
even though that was the case it's what
I knew it was what I was used to and it
was kind of like exciting even though it
wasn't like looking back and now I see
how could you have found that exciting
and but the thought of just living a
normal life like I said just seemed
boring and boring and I thought like the
thought of not having that attention ah
was a big one for me so if these
feelings can actually then get in the
way of our recovery then it means us
holding on to the borderline is
preventing us from getting well is
actually detrimental to us it's actually
harming us now so for that reason yes I
think we can be addicted to it addicted
to that lifestyle and it's hard to let
go but trust me I had all these feelings
around it and I I'm in recovery now and
it is not boring I can still get the
highs where I feel great um and I can
have down days but they're not to the
point that I want to self-harm is just I
just have an off day now and again what
I think anyone can have I do not crave
that tension anymore because I also see
like how upsetting and devastating it
was for my family to see me in that
and I kind of see it from their point
for you now and how could I want to put
them through that and where is at the
time I didn't even think about that side
of it
err my mummy always gives me attention
anyway but um I don't crave that
constant i supposes with recovery also
comes and the built-up self-esteem
whereas we feel better about ourselves
we don't need that constant reassurance
we don't have to go to those extremes
throwing myself out of a car or
something to get proof that someone
loves me because they will stop the car
and look for me instead of driving off I
don't have to go to those extremes I do
not need that reassurance I don't um
so with recovery hey what you got to
remember as well like I say in all my
videos recovery doesn't just happen it's
not like there you go you were recovered
on your way it's not like that it takes
time and it kind of happened so
gradually we have time to adapt in the
beginning of oh my god I'm gonna start
DBT next week I might never have a
crisis again
and trust me I had lots of processes I
think that this after starting DVD there
is just slowly they got less and less
less uh but had I thought oh my god
I might never have a crisis again I
might never get those highs and lows E
and I'm not doing recovery then actually
my addiction to my illness me wanting to
hold on to the illness is really
starting to affect my life their
negative way um but like I said I'm in
recovery now and it is not boring I am
so happy I was able to focus on recovery
because looking back I don't see why why
I would have wanted to hold on to those
things I mean I can see why I did the
reasons but I just kinda don't get it
because that was such a painful place
and it's so much better even beside you
know I'm the recovery side so yeah if
you just go for it absolutely just go
for it just it step by step a little bit
by a little bit and you will have time
to adapt slowly so it's not as scary as
we first think definitely not as scary
as I thought it would be the fear in my
head was so much bigger than the reality
of it so I'm gonna leave that there and
I will see you all in a week bye guys
love you
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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