hi my lovelies welcome back to my channel if you're new please press the subscribe button and the notification barrel so you get notified when I have new videos out I am author of the big book on borderline personality disorder it was published in January of this year and is available on Amazon right hi guys I apologize no video last week it was kids half-term so I was super busy today I'm doing a video request from Jojo hi Jojo and she asked me to talk about when someone you know makes up a blatant lie about you and says it to someone else that you know and you hear about it how do you handle this what do you do because obviously it's probably not gonna make you feel too good I think most of us at some point go through a time where we've been gossiped about especially when we're in our teenage years when we're at school I know I certainly did there were always different stories going around about me it really affected me whereas at school I didn't know how to handle it I hated people believing the lies about me and it just didn't make me feel good a few years like after leaving school I was in drug addiction I was drinking every day and I had a huge social life my social life was my life I would literally be getting up and going out to the pub straightaway every day and I therefore had a huge social circle of friends obviously now I know if they were not all friends a lot of them were just acquaintances I would hang around with them because they were using they'd hang around with me because I was using and back then the way I behaved the way I was I would put myself in situations that made it very easy for me to get gossiped about because I was drinking using I didn't care really I used to say to people like if someone's life is that sad that they want to make up stories about me well hey I must be so important that they've got to think and talk about me I just didn't care fast forward now I'm in recovery I have the occasional drink glass of Prosecco I do not use drugs I have no social life I see my friends I have a very small circle of friends I really believe in quality over quantity so I keep my circle small but there are people that I really trust yes I do see them my social life my kids have a better social life for me basically but that's okay because I'm okay where I am today I need to be in bed at 10 o'clock every night because if I don't I struggle in the morning I'm not a morning person and I have four children to get ready for school to get them dressed hair done teeth done breakfast and out the door and to school on time every morning and I do that my children are very very rarely late and if they are it's often down to either myself being sick or one of the children being sick so nowadays I don't put myself in that situation to be gossiped about that even now you can sometimes have the occasion where you hear through the grapevine from someone that you love that someone else you know has said something bad about you some lie about you and here's the thing so just say you have maybe it maybe it's another family member because you've got to bear in mind that with families we have our immediate family but then we have aunts and uncles we have cousins we have second cousins and second cousin twice removed and all that so the family can kind it doesn't just because someone's a family member it doesn't mean they're your immediate closest family member maybe you might see them once a year maybe you might see them once every five or six or whatever years and what if one of these family members that you don't see all the time says something about you that is a blatant lie to someone else that is close that is in your close circle how do you deal with that now I would say this firstly we are completely powerless over other people we cannot stop someone saying something about us we might not like what they say but we can't stop them saying it we can't make them see that they're telling a lie because maybe they think they're telling the truth I think to be fair a lot of the time they know they're telling a lie it is to be spiteful it is to be hurtful but I'll go into that in a minute so that's the first thing you've got to accept that people are gonna say things people are gonna do things that we don't like and we once we learn that that that's just the fact we we have no over control over them we can accept it and that is one of the steps that we must take must just accept it doesn't make it right like I said it doesn't make it right doesn't mean you have to agree but at the end of the day we cannot stop something if this was to happen like for me personally I would think why would someone go out their way to be so spiteful is that you look at the internet trolls they kind of get some kind of pleasure in just being nasty and here's the thing the person that might have made of a complete lie about you and said whatever they said chances are you're not the only person they do it to chances are they're like that with everyone they're just a hateful nasty goblin basically not nice they are not the nice person and they hate the world they hate everyone in the world and you are not the only one they are gonna be nasty about so then I would ask myself why are they nasty why are they like this and often one of the reasons it can be jealousy they might be jealous of what you've got jealous of maybe your success it could be jealous of how you look maybe could be jealousy your family life there's like numerous things they can be jealous about they might not even realize they're jealous it might be a subconscious thing but obviously the person that goes out their way to make lies up about someone they have issues going on and what are you found usually when you look at someone that is like this they like they're the sort of person that narcissistic possibly like they want the world to think they have the perfect life maybe they drive a Mercedes or a BMW maybe they have fantastic holidays to the Maldives or the Caribbean they want the world to think that look at me I'm successful I'm doing all right but actually that's not the case at all they may be there at work maybe they're not happy with their work maybe they're not happy at home there are some serious issues going on for them and the thing is they hate themselves they don't realize that but they do and rather than take a look at themselves they can't bear to look at themselves because what they see is not a very nice person so instead they project onto other people it's easier to point the finger at other people and say how horrible or unsuccessful or whatever whatever lie they want to make up about this person chance or Bob is because this is how they are feeling about themselves and when when I'm able to look at a situation like that and go ah okay you've actually you're putting on this act you're you're fraudulent basically you're making out you're someone you're someone completely yes you're not a nice person rather than getting angry and hating them I feel I feel sorry for them because actually what kind of life is that go through life just being nasty about other people trying to like just push other people down and make other people feel bad about themselves who does that not a nice person to to be able to do that you must be pretty miserable you must have a pretty miserable life to be able to do that and so therefore I do feel sorry for them now dude what do you do do you react you phone them and say why are you saying this lies especially like okay the chances are and I know this like I've seen this happen a few times with people is this person that makes these lights off about you that he probably not even seen you in years they know nothing about your life but then feel quite entitled to make some really bold folks lyza about you and but what do you do do you face them do you talk to those around you well I wouldn't talk to those around you and hopefully like the people they've said it to you if it is someone that's close to you hopefully they will have your corner because they they're the people that know you they are the people that mean something to you there are the people whose relationship you value and therefore if they know look this person said duh duh-de-duh but we know it's lies yep okay you don't have to do anything else because the people that matter know the truth do you confront the person make from their lies I wouldn't even waste my time they are not worth your time if they're going around spouting this rubbish about you I would just dismiss it best seriously not worth it at all what you'd find if you did confront them they would probably get quite nasty because they're a nasty person and there might be a confrontation you might then get into an it's not worth it they're not worth getting angry over just feel sympathy for them feel sorry for them now there was an occasion actually I had a good friend and she there was another girl basically who started making lies up about my friend now they were the sorta lies like she's a prostitute she's getting money she's using drugs like really like bad thing and she didn't this other girl didn't just say it's like one person she was going round the town telling loads of people this and my friend was so upset because this was complete lies like she was not using she was not like prostituting herself all of it was lies but this girl was telling so many people and I did say to my friend I said you've got to go to the police because this she's harassing you and that's what we did we went to the police she gave a report and explained everything and it was dealt with like that so if you feel like it's getting to the point of harassment then I would go to the police don't take it into your own hands because these people can't be reasoned with they're not very nice they're clearly okay with the fact of making lies up about people they're just not worth it so go to the police but in the case like what I was talking about where if it's just someone saying something to one other person about you and that person doesn't believe it anyway because you're able to laugh and it with those close to you like oh my god what rubbish you this person talking just leave it they're not worth your time they are not your time is precious and people that are hateful and that they just losers and you you deserve better but at the end of the day they they're probably jealous and they want to upset you they want to get to you because they're miserable in their own lives I'll be back tomorrow my lovelies nah you