hi guys today I'm doing a video request
from Emma hi Emma and Emma asked me
about not being liked by people all her
life since school
unemployment found I was bitchy no
friends
is it BPD thing now I don't know for
sure if it's a BPD thing but I can do
this video because it's me basically
what she said I'm like oh my god that's
me I went to an all-girls school and I
got bullied so my experience with girls
as I came into my teens was that they
were very bitchy um don't get me wrong
I did have some female friends at school
that weren't bitchy but Mike like my
whole experience was so bad with the
bullies it kinda just put me off women I
I haven't had a good experience with
them so I was doing my a-levels and I
started drinking and I started using
drugs and going to the pub all the time
and in the pubs I found that I was kind
of drawn more to the men and not in a
sexual way at all but as friends
I felt I knew where I stood with men for
example just say I got my hair done and
I went down the pub and my hair wasn't
looking good the guys would say oh my
god sure you know what for you done with
your hair you look a mess whereas the
girls would say god I love your hair
hair and they're not being the toilet
not here someone outside saying have you
seen the state Serena's hair I mean you
just told me I'm right it was and it
just wasn't genuine it was very false
and very bitchy and so I kind of stuck
around with the guys now that's not to
say I didn't have any female friends
then
and because there were like few girls
that I met in my drinking and using days
that happened to still be my close close
friends now and they but they all had a
very similar experience to me in the fat
they've got bullied by other girls and
they found the girls to be bitchy and
they mainly hang around with the guys
and it's actually only because the guys
were friends that we met each other and
were like oh my god was so similar and
like I said um these girls are friends
of mine to this day but overall my
experience with women wasn't good when I
like Emma mentioned unemployed not
unemployed and include employment I've
written unemployment here in employment
um I remember like that when I had a job
whenever I had a job the women were like
so bitchy when I was I remember one
place I was working out and it was me
they boss was a guy me and they were
about four other girls in this little
office and they just decide if they
didn't like me and I'm quite a happy
person I even when I was dying inside I
had my self-esteem is low I hated myself
and I felt really really depressed
inside I would wear my mask and I'd put
on my smiley face and how have you been
try and be polite which I did and these
girls they like didn't even hide that
they just tested me they would outright
like one of them would stand up and say
would you like a cup of tea would you
like a cup of tea which I come to skip
me would you say and they would all go
out to lunch together and none of them
would say - really would you like to
come to lunch it was like outright
bullying they awful to the point that I
just left
and and that wasn't just the only place
it was like whenever I seem to get job
the guys seemed to just talk to me like
I was a human and the girls didn't they
either were nice to my face and horrid
behind my back or completely rude to my
face
I suppose wouldn't know rude to my face
at least I knew where I stood with them
the ones that I struggled with that
would pretend to be my friend and they
when I saw and I had it my whole life
and it was so hard to deal with like I
said I hung around with the guide and
walk for more male friends and they were
just friends it was just platonic it
wasn't sexual they would just mate
because I knew where I stood with them
and I didn't with women and even when I
went into rehab well before I went into
rehab I've talked about like my close
friend who I found out was talking to my
husband and every single day on the
phone or like for right by year and it
was kind of like oh my god I can't
believe I've been hurt like this again
by a woman but I also know it wasn't
just her it was obviously my ex-husband
as well so and even then I was kind of
questioning like did she really mean to
hurt me and I don't I really don't
believe she did actually I don't know I
think it was just a silly mistake I said
that before and and I'm going off topic
so believe that um but I mean I had
another good good friend whom I've met
back in my drinking days we'd been
friends she was actually a bridesmaid at
my wedding
and I remember I told her like I'm going
into rehab and she was like oh my god
yeah it's the best thing and she was so
supportive and I wrote to her a few
times from rehab I
and I just never got a reply and my
ex-husband actually told me that she had
completely like because when I was in
rehab I decided the marriage was
breaking down because of the phone
conversations with this elder girl and
although I haven't left him when it
initially happened I really turned to
drinking drugs in a big way and I had a
lot counseling when I was in rehab and
it was decided like if I went back to my
husband I would drink news again because
that relationship it just it was no
longer emotionally I've been hurt too
badly and I just couldn't forgive and I
couldn't forget no matter how much I
tried and that's why I was drinking and
using because I was just trying to numb
it and had I gone back there
those old behaviors would come back and
I couldn't risk that because I wanted to
be a good mom and I wanted to be there
for my kids and watch them grow up and I
couldn't do that when I was drinking and
using so the marriage broke down and
I've been writing to this other friend
but I didn't ever hear anything and that
was just talking
my ex-husband he's that oh yes she used
to come around and help me around how
she felt so bad and she said you said
this and she said and basically all
stuff that I'd talk to her about a lot
of it wasn't even true that she had told
stories that that I hadn't said and
basically completely sided and it really
like wow I really didn't expect her
because she right as far as I was
concerned she was a really really good
friend and I got her again but you know
these things happen
do I have anger towards her now not
really um it was she obviously just felt
sorry for my ex-husband I don't know but
anyway so my experience is even with
close friends I have been her so with
all women like I came into recovery or
into rehab
and there were some really bitchy girls
in there as well but at the same time
there were some lovely lovely girls I
did primary rehab and then I for like
two months and then I went for five six
months I think the other place five or
six months and I have real issues with
the girls again I stuck with the boys
and it was through counseling that I
realized I had to start opening up and
putting my trust in women again and we
were all women like we were in rehab so
we all have some kind of substance
misuse issues and we all found that we
all had a similar story getting bullied
by girls don't trust girls hung around
with guys and we were all the same and
that was kind of a similarity we had and
we could connect because of that and
when I left rehab
I started in 12-step meetings and in
these meetings it suggested that the
women stick with the women the men stick
with the man because when first in
recovery you'll felt very vulnerable and
a good way of fixing yourself when
you're feeling down is to hook up with
someone but it's not the wisest idea
when you're that vulnerable and so I did
start opening up with some women again
there was some bitchiness there but
overall I found the women really
supportive and I really they opened my
eyes that actually the power of one
woman helping another it's amazing and
but it's taking that first step I'm
putting your trust in someone and I
can't promise you that you won't get
hurt that's the thing I can't but if you
don't ever put your trust in someone you
will never form those amazing
relationships that are possible because
I've met some women in recovery that
unlike my closest friends now and it was
hard to start with of course it was
putting my trust
I just had to take that step I did like
I said I think in my other video I did
like a top up on DBT and I met some
wonderful women with borderline
personality disorder and again talking
to these women
we all had a very similar history
bullied by women don't trust women stop
with the men and it was the same as like
the women in addiction so I don't
necessarily know it if it's definitely a
borderline thing I don't know because
then a lot of like I said a lot of women
in addiction that don't have borderline
personality disorder suffered with the
same thing maybe we attract the wrong
people but then how is that possible
when we get a job and we work with a
load of bitchy women that's like we
haven't just attracted that we've just
been unfortunate I think in life there
are bitchy people out there there
there are bitchy men out there too we
all know huh and I did I learned that
along the way as well like I said the
power of one woman helping another you
see this I'm all for us women should
stick together but it's very hard to do
that when you just don't trust women
when you have had really bad experiences
with them and I suppose we've kinda
sometimes got to let ourselves be
vulnerable and put ourselves out there
with the risk of getting hurt and it
would be very easy just to say no way
I'm not doing that I am NOT getting her
because who wants to get her but if you
don't do that you're really missing out
on the amazing friendships you could
have what I did like when I came into
recovery and I started eating the women
I was just really cautious and I did not
tell them my life story on the first
date because I used to be very much an
open book at one point and I'll tell
people everything like and it always
came up bit me on the ass and now
nowadays like when I came to recovery I
was like okay I'm just gonna take things
slowly and it's kind of putting
something out there let's see if you can
trust this person and Trust takes time
to build it does not happen straightaway
and so just be careful and tread
carefully don't feel you have to tell
them absolutely everything and give them
small snippets of information and see
how they get on with it at first but
yeah definitely try put yourself out
there and realize that not every woman's
like that and just how you're feeling
with your experiences there are so many
of us out there
with exactly the same experiences and I
think that's one of the reasons actually
like that my closest friends now they
are all either they suffered with drug
addiction all they suffered with their
mental health you know I see up
you've got to help me at all please
don't say you're gonna get the sickness
bunk do you feel sick no all right I'm
gonna finish this video come in hey have
a cuddle love you um I got a letter home
from my son's school which is the infant
school saying there has been a sickness
bunk literally like 40 kids in the
reception year came down throwing up
apparently they were sick all at the
school and everything
everyone's getting it and then my
daughter came home yesterday I was like
loads of my friends have this sickness
bug and this isn't the junior schools
around thinking they're gonna get sick
beginning it was sick and I remember
times when like there was just three of
them throwing up and I was literally
running from room to room with bowls and
cleaning them around gave my Dettol to
disinfect everywhere and now there's
four of them and I just I don't want the
baby to get booked she's too young she's
- yeah well I don't want any of them to
go I'm Amelia's got real phobia of being
said she just can't bear it can't read
the thought of anyone being ill around
her right okay
proof she might get sick
okay I'm gonna leave that there my
lovelies um and I'll be back in the week