My whole life I have had trust issues with women – is this a BPD tthing? Is it justified? Do other women really not like us?
hi guys today I'm doing a video request from Emma hi Emma and Emma asked me about not being liked by people all her life since school unemployment found I was bitchy no friends is it BPD thing now I don't know for sure if it's a BPD thing but I can do this video because it's me basically what she said I'm like oh my god that's me I went to an all-girls school and I got bullied so my experience with girls as I came into my teens was that they were very bitchy um don't get me wrong I did have some female friends at school that weren't bitchy but Mike like my whole experience was so bad with the bullies it kinda just put me off women I I haven't had a good experience with them so I was doing my a-levels and I started drinking and I started using drugs and going to the pub all the time and in the pubs I found that I was kind of drawn more to the men and not in a sexual way at all but as friends I felt I knew where I stood with men for example just say I got my hair done and I went down the pub and my hair wasn't looking good the guys would say oh my god sure you know what for you done with your hair you look a mess whereas the girls would say god I love your hair hair and they're not being the toilet not here someone outside saying have you seen the state Serena's hair I mean you just told me I'm right it was and it just wasn't genuine it was very false and very bitchy and so I kind of stuck around with the guys now that's not to say I didn't have any female friends then and because there were like few girls that I met in my drinking and using days that happened to still be my close close friends now and they but they all had a very similar experience to me in the fat they've got bullied by other girls and they found the girls to be bitchy and they mainly hang around with the guys and it's actually only because the guys were friends that we met each other and were like oh my god was so similar and like I said um these girls are friends of mine to this day but overall my experience with women wasn't good when I like Emma mentioned unemployed not unemployed and include employment I've written unemployment here in employment um I remember like that when I had a job whenever I had a job the women were like so bitchy when I was I remember one place I was working out and it was me they boss was a guy me and they were about four other girls in this little office and they just decide if they didn't like me and I'm quite a happy person I even when I was dying inside I had my self-esteem is low I hated myself and I felt really really depressed inside I would wear my mask and I'd put on my smiley face and how have you been try and be polite which I did and these girls they like didn't even hide that they just tested me they would outright like one of them would stand up and say would you like a cup of tea would you like a cup of tea which I come to skip me would you say and they would all go out to lunch together and none of them would say - really would you like to come to lunch it was like outright bullying they awful to the point that I just left and and that wasn't just the only place it was like whenever I seem to get job the guys seemed to just talk to me like I was a human and the girls didn't they either were nice to my face and horrid behind my back or completely rude to my face I suppose wouldn't know rude to my face at least I knew where I stood with them the ones that I struggled with that would pretend to be my friend and they when I saw and I had it my whole life and it was so hard to deal with like I said I hung around with the guide and walk for more male friends and they were just friends it was just platonic it wasn't sexual they would just mate because I knew where I stood with them and I didn't with women and even when I went into rehab well before I went into rehab I've talked about like my close friend who I found out was talking to my husband and every single day on the phone or like for right by year and it was kind of like oh my god I can't believe I've been hurt like this again by a woman but I also know it wasn't just her it was obviously my ex-husband as well so and even then I was kind of questioning like did she really mean to hurt me and I don't I really don't believe she did actually I don't know I think it was just a silly mistake I said that before and and I'm going off topic so believe that um but I mean I had another good good friend whom I've met back in my drinking days we'd been friends she was actually a bridesmaid at my wedding and I remember I told her like I'm going into rehab and she was like oh my god yeah it's the best thing and she was so supportive and I wrote to her a few times from rehab I and I just never got a reply and my ex-husband actually told me that she had completely like because when I was in rehab I decided the marriage was breaking down because of the phone conversations with this elder girl and although I haven't left him when it initially happened I really turned to drinking drugs in a big way and I had a lot counseling when I was in rehab and it was decided like if I went back to my husband I would drink news again because that relationship it just it was no longer emotionally I've been hurt too badly and I just couldn't forgive and I couldn't forget no matter how much I tried and that's why I was drinking and using because I was just trying to numb it and had I gone back there those old behaviors would come back and I couldn't risk that because I wanted to be a good mom and I wanted to be there for my kids and watch them grow up and I couldn't do that when I was drinking and using so the marriage broke down and I've been writing to this other friend but I didn't ever hear anything and that was just talking my ex-husband he's that oh yes she used to come around and help me around how she felt so bad and she said you said this and she said and basically all stuff that I'd talk to her about a lot of it wasn't even true that she had told stories that that I hadn't said and basically completely sided and it really like wow I really didn't expect her because she right as far as I was concerned she was a really really good friend and I got her again but you know these things happen do I have anger towards her now not really um it was she obviously just felt sorry for my ex-husband I don't know but anyway so my experience is even with close friends I have been her so with all women like I came into recovery or into rehab and there were some really bitchy girls in there as well but at the same time there were some lovely lovely girls I did primary rehab and then I for like two months and then I went for five six months I think the other place five or six months and I have real issues with the girls again I stuck with the boys and it was through counseling that I realized I had to start opening up and putting my trust in women again and we were all women like we were in rehab so we all have some kind of substance misuse issues and we all found that we all had a similar story getting bullied by girls don't trust girls hung around with guys and we were all the same and that was kind of a similarity we had and we could connect because of that and when I left rehab I started in 12-step meetings and in these meetings it suggested that the women stick with the women the men stick with the man because when first in recovery you'll felt very vulnerable and a good way of fixing yourself when you're feeling down is to hook up with someone but it's not the wisest idea when you're that vulnerable and so I did start opening up with some women again there was some bitchiness there but overall I found the women really supportive and I really they opened my eyes that actually the power of one woman helping another it's amazing and but it's taking that first step I'm putting your trust in someone and I can't promise you that you won't get hurt that's the thing I can't but if you don't ever put your trust in someone you will never form those amazing relationships that are possible because I've met some women in recovery that unlike my closest friends now and it was hard to start with of course it was putting my trust I just had to take that step I did like I said I think in my other video I did like a top up on DBT and I met some wonderful women with borderline personality disorder and again talking to these women we all had a very similar history bullied by women don't trust women stop with the men and it was the same as like the women in addiction so I don't necessarily know it if it's definitely a borderline thing I don't know because then a lot of like I said a lot of women in addiction that don't have borderline personality disorder suffered with the same thing maybe we attract the wrong people but then how is that possible when we get a job and we work with a load of bitchy women that's like we haven't just attracted that we've just been unfortunate I think in life there are bitchy people out there there there are bitchy men out there too we all know huh and I did I learned that along the way as well like I said the power of one woman helping another you see this I'm all for us women should stick together but it's very hard to do that when you just don't trust women when you have had really bad experiences with them and I suppose we've kinda sometimes got to let ourselves be vulnerable and put ourselves out there with the risk of getting hurt and it would be very easy just to say no way I'm not doing that I am NOT getting her because who wants to get her but if you don't do that you're really missing out on the amazing friendships you could have what I did like when I came into recovery and I started eating the women I was just really cautious and I did not tell them my life story on the first date because I used to be very much an open book at one point and I'll tell people everything like and it always came up bit me on the ass and now nowadays like when I came to recovery I was like okay I'm just gonna take things slowly and it's kind of putting something out there let's see if you can trust this person and Trust takes time to build it does not happen straightaway and so just be careful and tread carefully don't feel you have to tell them absolutely everything and give them small snippets of information and see how they get on with it at first but yeah definitely try put yourself out there and realize that not every woman's like that and just how you're feeling with your experiences there are so many of us out there with exactly the same experiences and I think that's one of the reasons actually like that my closest friends now they are all either they suffered with drug addiction all they suffered with their mental health you know I see up you've got to help me at all please don't say you're gonna get the sickness bunk do you feel sick no all right I'm gonna finish this video come in hey have a cuddle love you um I got a letter home from my son's school which is the infant school saying there has been a sickness bunk literally like 40 kids in the reception year came down throwing up apparently they were sick all at the school and everything everyone's getting it and then my daughter came home yesterday I was like loads of my friends have this sickness bug and this isn't the junior schools around thinking they're gonna get sick beginning it was sick and I remember times when like there was just three of them throwing up and I was literally running from room to room with bowls and cleaning them around gave my Dettol to disinfect everywhere and now there's four of them and I just I don't want the baby to get booked she's too young she's - yeah well I don't want any of them to go I'm Amelia's got real phobia of being said she just can't bear it can't read the thought of anyone being ill around her right okay proof she might get sick okay I'm gonna leave that there my lovelies um and I'll be back in the week
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