hi my lovelies welcome back to my
channel for those of you who are new I
am sure inna and I do videos on
addiction and mental health mainly
borderline personality disorder this is
my book it's available on Amazon as you
can see it is a big book if you're not
subscribed hit the subscribe button hit
the notification bell so you get
notified when I have new videos out now
I apologize I did not put video out last
Friday and I'm gonna be honest with you
my skin was the reason I didn't put a
video out so I am 37 and I've started
getting spots
so I went to the doctor and I've tried
everything and they've put me on a
retinoid cream which is amazing but it
dries my skin out so badly on Friday
morning I put my foundation on I did my
makeup i sat down to film and realized
that my face was peeling off basically
it was actually so bad that when I
clicked admite otter from school her
friends what's happened to your face but
I have moisturized so much and the skin
is no longer peeling so I'm back and I
will do another video on Friday this
video is out today to make up the one I
missed last week so I got messaged from
a girl on Instagram and she explained
like how she has everything in order she
has borderline personality disorder
predicts she's got it under control
she has a good job she has a good family
life everything in her life is great and
then she meets a guy and within days all
the old traits have come back and it
feels like everything around her is just
crumbling and she kind of asked me and
said why is it that relationships can be
our downfall
so relate to this and I suppose that's
why now I'm anti relationship like I
don't want a relationship because I have
kind of my life in order all the
different things I kind of manage quite
well I'm but I know that other people
have the power to wreck everything
basically is it they have the power or
do we let them I think actually there
are a number of different reasons behind
that obviously obviously we have which I
believe is one of the core traits I
believe a core trait is the fear of
abandonment and the fact that we are
unable to control our emotions but we
have that fear of abandonment so we
might go on a date with a guy and it
goes really well and we go home a tall
girl sorry you go on a date with a girl
or whatever you go home you can't stop
thinking about them they are so amazing
everything went so well you're so happy
you're absolutely buzzing the next day
you phone or you text them about meeting
up and they say they're busy and all of
a sudden that like being up here we just
come crashing down because we don't take
it as they are unable to see us we take
it as they don't want to see us and
there is a big difference so we really
take it personally and because of that
internally we've kind of really torn we
can feel used even though this person
might the next day want to see us but
because we think they don't want to see
us that causes us to really feel torn
like you know we have such a laugh
I feel used I feel betrayed and again
this could be after one date so we
shouldn't really
I feel like this but we do feel like
this and you know we need to have that
feeling validated the way we feel is the
way we feel we don't choose to feel this
way it would be wonderful to not feel
this way it would be wonderful if
someone said I can't see you today
rusticate okay no worries and be okay
about it and just be able to get on with
our day but I know for me if someone
said I'm unable to see you I would take
it as they don't want to see me then I'd
think back and think I was so nice I
thought this was meant to be after one
day and it would really really bother me
I would be consumed like completely
consumed with these thoughts I would be
unable to function like on a day-to-day
basis I would be 1/8 unable to do my
housework if I had a job I've been
unable to work if I had to look after
kids I would struggle to do that I might
be really snappy at them because all I
can think of is the fact that I have
been abandoned even though I haven't so
that's one of the reasons I think
another one ties in is the fact that we
do tend to have really low self-esteem
and and because of that we then think
well they don't want to see me because
I'm this around that and we make up in
our head we can't do other people's
thinking for them but we give it a hell
of a good go and often we're wrong but
our mind tells us we are bang on the
money and that is how it is they just
don't like us for whatever reason maybe
they found us boring maybe they didn't
like our appearance maybe they didn't
like her clothes or our personality or
whatever so that's another reason I
think
another reason that we have a lot of
problems in when it comes to
relationships is many times now I am NOT
saying all the time I'm definitely not
saying that but we do often tend to go
for someone that is not necessarily good
for us we go for the bad boy we go for
the person that's always getting into
trouble now I personally haven't gone
out with someone that has been in a
relationship with someone else but I
hear that all the time and that's not
just women or men with BPD that's not I
hear that from people that don't have
BPD it's like why would you go out with
someone if they're with someone else and
often it's because it's a challenge it's
well if they're with someone they've got
something going for them if they're
single why they think obviously no one
wants to be with them and it can be that
they might not even consciously think it
but subconsciously it could be that so
like I said again it's not necessarily
women with BPD this kind of across the
board like lots of women so obviously if
you're then someone that likes someone
and having a relationship with someone
who is having a relationship with
someone else
that's gonna bring its own problems
because then you're going to start
thinking yeah but they go home to them
and what do they do and you can be eaten
up with jealousy over that now that
problem could be solved by if you know
someone's in a relationship just don't
go out with them but I know it's not
always just well it is actually as
simple as that it is as simple just
don't do it but I know it's not as easy
as that because I know lots of people
that do that and in their opinion
actually and I tend to agree actually
is the person in the relationship that
is the person to blame because they are
the one cheating they are the problem
but this is what I'm going back to what
we find a lot of time it's we go out for
people that are not good for us now just
say you go out with someone who is in a
relationship they leave their partner
and they get with you because you were
eaten up with jealousy before they were
still with their partner you kept going
on at the revenge see they said Yoanna
be with you and they left down the line
down the line you are going to think
well they did it to them so why don't
they do it to me and that will eat you
up because you know actually they're
known for doing this they're known for
cheating so if they could cheat before
what makes me different and because of
our low self-esteem we then think
they're definitely cheating on us and
the worst thing is they probably are
because if they're the salt person
that's going to do that chances are
they're gonna do it again
but we do tend to pick people that
aren't necessarily the best choice for
us I always kinda shows people that
Ribera rough around the edges that I
felt could protect me but what
eventually I found is actually we just
round loads we're always arguing and
they were just abusive like we just hurl
abuse at each other basically and we
would have massive fall outs but then
massive makeups and I used to love the
makeup back together everything's
wonderful until next time and the
relationship really really really would
be a roller coaster and whereas if
you're in a healthy no you're not in a
healthy relationship because if you have
BPD our relationships tend to be
unhealthy
less ruin recovery but what I'm saying
if you're with actually someone that is
quite good for you someone that like is
understanding of our disorder is just an
all-round nice person our relationships
that can still be unstable but that
tends to be because of us because of our
behaviors because of the way we think
the way we feel that we act foul but if
you then take someone that is not good
for us that have their own issues going
on it's gonna be a roller coaster but
actually we're completely out of control
because we can try and manage our traits
we can try and understand but we cannot
control the other person and that is
going to cause us loads and loads of
problems because what I found is if I
try to say well you do this I would get
it would be I'd be gaslighting basically
it would be all made about the BPD they
could not take any responsibility
everything was about the BPD
and making me think well maybe it's me
well actually looking back on sample for
my relationships I'm not saying all my
relationships
some of them I can see actually I wasn't
the problem I mean I had problems but I
was not the problem in that relationship
if anything that person knew how to push
my buttons and they pushed them daily
like multiple times a day and there made
out that I was completely like gone so
that is definitely another reason like
why relationships can be our downfall
and I think that's a big part of it
actually is that and I learned this in
12-step recovery like that via powerless
over other people we cannot control
other people we have the power within to
learn to control our BPD now for those
of you who are in the grips of BPD you
will think that's impossible
I
try everything but trust me recovery is
possible and you can learn to control it
you can but we can't learn to control
other people people will always be able
to say things or do things that we don't
necessarily agree with but we can learn
how to like react we can think before we
react to certain situations but that
takes time that is definitely not
something like that you immediately get
in recovery like I said you could be in
recovery and everything's going really
well and then you get in a relationship
and it can be our downfall but obviously
many of us have downfalls along the way
it does not mean that you won't get
recovery fully you will not have a good
life because that's complete rubbish you
can but it kind of it is just it takes
time vessel see guys I've chatted for
nearly over 40 minutes so I'm going to
go but I will be back on Friday I love
you all loads