hi my lovelies I'm back I owe you all a
huge apology first of all for the vegan
way for so long and an explanation
because I don't think ecology cuts it
because I've been away for a very long
time what's my reason for not doing a
video basically I'd be too scared to do
a video for a long time it's only
recently I realized I've been really
this year has not been my year at all
you can probably see that going all the
way back to like New Year's from then
the videos really kind of cut down I
didn't do as many in January I was very
I was poorly for a few months I told you
that I was on antibiotics like 12 week
course of antibiotics for a sinus
infection I kind of looking back I
noticed in March my mood was dipping I
didn't know why I was dipping I just
tried to kind of carry on like I did
like back when I was at school and I was
going through such hard times and I'd
always be the Joker and trying to laugh
but I realized I've been depressed for a
very long time I'm at the moment I'm
absolutely riddled with insecurities I
smile about it I did not want to do this
my psychiatrist told me I should just be
honest the school counsellors I don't
see the family support workers at the
school they're like you've just got to
do the video and be honest but I'll tell
you I didn't want to be my channels
always been about hope I believe we can
recover from BPD that's what I say
but this year I I started going downhill
like I said probably in March maybe
before and kept thinking it's just a
little blip everyone goes through blips
it'll pick up but it hasn't it slowly
like my mood has deteriorated it's gone
down and down and down looking back now
I should have possibly gone back to my
doctor sooner my psychiatrist said I
should have seen him months ago just
seen on actually on I've just been given
a new medication what's it called
reports what were box a team I can't
basically I'm on a new antidepressant
with the sertraline which is an
antidepressant I'm on quetiapine still
but apparently this one works on a
different area of the brain
this has been a really tough tough year
um I lost my uncle this year
my beautiful baby brother I call him
baby he's 35 he's gone into a wheelchair
like full-time now I have talked about
his illness he has spina cerebellar
ataxia which is the part of the brain
that's responsible for all motor skills
it's just breaking down my mom and not
planning on moving down here so we can
kind of support each other but their
house ale fell through so I thought
their to be here in August and they're
still not here because their house sale
fell through the summer as you know I
had lots of things go on my son nearly
drowned I jumped in after him one
cracked his head open on the radiator
behind me that's why I've got these
hideous soft fits Lottie
fractured her arm oh he one thing you
don't know actually because I haven't
done a video I don't think since then on
Halloween I we went out with the kids
and Ethan got hit by a car
he's he's fine babe is scary
I was screaming I think you hit my son
it was just it was just horrific and
obviously I was having the house done so
this house was like a shell it's getting
look I've got my decoration I'll show
you I've got my tree my new fireplace
it's getting there I'm not going to give
you a whole tour yet the other rooms
nearly done as well but it's actually
kind of full of boxes at the lair and I
suppose that's one of the things so my
uncle passed away in June and he left
money obviously not to me to his
brothers and my dad has put money into
the house so I can have it done up and
so I'm kind of embarrassed about like
being depressed when I've had the whole
house done up like it's like what if you
got to be depressed about I imagine
people would say money and material
things do not buy happiness trust me
I'm also the sort person I like order
around me I like the house knee I like
it tidy and we have literally lived here
with no furniture no sofas we've been
sitting on the floor we had no floor it
was down to like the floorboards or the
walls were knocked back because I had to
have the whole place we've passed it we
had no fireplace and you could literally
feel the draft coming down the chimney
and yes I know I've had it done now and
it's amazing but living like that like
six months has been really tough so it's
been one of those years and like I said
everyone saying you should just be
honest I was like but my channel is
about my channel has always been about
hope and I
don't want anyone to lose hope I haven't
lost hope it's been a tough year but
haven't lost hope I'm still here
I have been so so insecure like at the
mouths just saying like I just hate my
face hey hey hey hey everything and I'm
kind of like what you know like what can
you teach people and I've got that as
well so like I was talking again to my
psychiatrist and you guys you message me
a lot of you message me privately and
you tell me what's going on but with
with borderline we feel things intensely
and I can read some of your messages and
it just is like it can really upset me
now I'm not telling you not send them
because I still want you to send them
and I still want to be able to reply to
you and give you hope but these things
do play on my mind and then I kind of
think to start with us like but how can
I help this person like they're going
through hell what can I do what can I do
I want to help what would help I'm gonna
go and give them a hug but I physically
can't just give and get them a hug and
so I stopped doing videos by stop doing
videos because I just didn't like really
I'd put it on I see my face that's like
nah not today and over time then I've
got that guilt like these people like
there's people out there that need help
and you're not even helping them what
bad person you are you're not even
helping them but at the time I didn't
even really know how to help myself and
I'm just muddling through I
I even considered reading my book the
other day I come on Trina you know you
know this stuff you darling written
about it put it into action but I'm kind
of so full of self-doubt I just doubt
anything any kind of advice that give
I suppose I know I know feelings have
asked and I I'm on a new medication I
got to the point where as I was trying
everything I was like something it's
just it's not happening for me I I could
feel the BPD traits resurfacing and I
was like this is not good this I need to
do something and that's when I finally
went to my psychiatrist it was like whoa
I need a better help here
but I know feelings don't last I know I
will pull out this I am back now I know
I kind of said that this year right
you'll see if you go back like to the
previous years I've put out so many
videos a week I was consistent and this
year it has not been like that at all
I have really struggled at the Marion
look I've got spots there I've got spots
there up confidence spots on my face I
will cover them but that's the reality
of it it's not something by oh what's
this my tag hanging out that's the
reality of it I wanted to be honest with
you not just give you load of old
that's just lies like hey Saul you've
been away this year like I said you go
back through my playlist and you like my
videos and you'll see I've not been
consistent this year has been a very
different year for me I got to the point
I started doing some live videos and
people like are you drunk my mum said
have you been drinking I was like no but
what I do I take my coat I pin now
quetiapine just making my head and and
then I'd be like you know do a video now
but she's a good like I was high as a
kite my meds I've deleted those videos
now because I'm like that's that's not
me well it is every evening it's not me
to do a video and I'm like that
I've Christmas coming up I have four
children Christmas is a very difficult
time of year
and number of reasons but I want you
guys to know I am back I will be back
next week with the video I might even do
a live video this weekend now I've done
this now I've put this out I might be
like yes you can do this but bear with
me please don't stop sending me your
look messages and telling me your
problems because because I love you all
I love you guys
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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