hi I'm lovelyz huge apologies because
I've been away I've well have not been
anywhere been asleep basically I have
had a virus since beginning of December
the past week it completely floored me
to the point I could struggle to get out
of bed and I've spent most of this week
asleep today I've got some makeup on
which is the first time since I did my
last video I was hoping to do a video on
like people with BPD in a relationship
with people with antisocial personality
disorder I think I'm going to say that
for Friday because I've got quite a few
messages asking people to talk to me
about recovery my recovery how I look of
it and I know I've done it before but
you know boy it's January and January's
been a really tough year it's just gone
on and on and on and we've got no money
and Christmas is over and it's just the
weather's rubbish and it's such a
depressing month so I get why people
want a little bit of hope and ever so
quickly thank you to those who bought my
book the big book on borderline
personality disorder for those you who
haven't bought it and want to buy it it
is available on Amazon I will put the
link down below I have another favor as
well those of you that have bought it
would you please go on to Amazon if you
get chance or goodreads.com and leave a
review for me that would be amazing
thank you say I apologize to Daisy who
kind of know recovered like my story I
will try and make it a bit quicker and
shorter today and to the point so
basically I take all nine traits of
borderline personality disorder life is
completely chaotic I was either jumping
from one relationship to another arguing
fighting falling out with friends
falling out with family
members spending all my money getting
drunk
using drugs or just staying in bed and
having no motivation and just sleeping
not wanting to get out not wanting to
get showered and I wanted to do anything
like zero zero motivation I just what
some would sink into like this
depression and then I would come out of
it life would be completely chaotic
again I don't think like this is the
first time that I have been single since
I was 14
right now 37 this is the first time I
have been single because I'd literally
go from one relationship into another
into another into another my
relationships were not healthy I would
often go for people that weren't good
for me not that I was any good for them
that's a whole other story so I was be
self harming attempted suicide and I can
remember just thinking like I don't want
to live like this anymore fed up because
I didn't see any way out I could not see
how I could possibly recover the only
coping skill I had to deal with my
emotions is to get really drunk or use
drugs which was a whole other problem
and it's home but that was my coping
mechanism drinking and using it kinda
numbed those horrible horrible feelings
so I couldn't imagine life without drink
or drugs it just I couldn't imagine that
so I just could not see how I could just
live life normally I did DBT I was very
fortunate that I was it just come to the
UK really it wasn't big over here then
and I got on it and I did it I'd go
along every week to two hours and then
I'd come away and I'd go out popping it
doing out clubbing you know just crazy
life
busy and I did not want think of DBT my
DBT skills in the time between one
lesson and another so what I would do
there I'd go along and we know is there
rice to say oh my god this stuff should
be taught in schools it's amazing and
then I would leave the group and go out
with friends and just forget about it
until the next week where I'd be again
saying this is amazing and I did DVT for
two years I think and I didn't
understand what I didn't recover
basically and because I could see how it
could work I didn't get why it wasn't
working for me I thought maybe I was
just different bit special and I yeah it
just didn't work with me looking back I
can see why because I never I never
truly today I did not commit to it I did
not take it seriously and I should have
because the borderline personality
disorder is a really serious disorder
people die from this disorder I should
have taken it seriously vice I just
didn't I don't know why I just always
thought I had better things to be doing
I think I kind of I was just so used to
chaos that I think if I the thought of
having a normal life and a normal
relationship it just seemed boring to me
like because even though I hated living
I couldn't imagine living a normal life
if that makes sense but I truly got into
recovery well I did seven months and
rehab center and I got clean from the
drugs and alcohol and life was so
painful because all of a sudden my
little solution to my problem the
solution at being the drugs now
they're known to my feelings was not
there it's a now over something I was
really feeling my feelings and my
self-harm got out of control and I hit
another rock bottom and I can remember
sitting outside enough license to sat
there crying not knowing what to do
thinking you know like I've been peeing
for so long but at the same time just
being in so much emotional pain not
knowing how to deal with that and I
don't really I know it didn't go into
the offer license I know I found a
mental health worker and I didn't drink
but I don't really remember what else I
suppose I went home and I self-harmed I
suppose bike I can't it was kind of a
blur that time me say I hit rock bottom
and I realized like this was my
opportunity now I'd I'd run out of
excuses like before I'd gone to rehab
what do we say yeah I'm I'm in control
of the drugs I choose them they don't
choose me I hate you know I'm in control
they're not in control of me which was a
complete lie because they completely
took over my life and then I went and
where did rehab then and I still wasn't
well and I kind of thought I've run out
of excuses what can I say to people now
like why am i why am I the way I am I
started putting some of my DBT skills
into practice not all of them I just
start with few some distress tolerance
because so I was going through a lot of
stress like distressing things at the
time it seemed like everything that
everyday I needed to use distress
tolerance distraction I started
practicing gratitude I started I was
doing 12-step meetings for drug and
alcohol use and that kind of led me on
to a spiritual path of being good people
being kind not having resentment
and that was all helpful for me and I
can't pinpoint when like this on this
day everything changed I woke up and
life was amazing because it wasn't like
that I had to put in the work and
recovery is not given to us and a plate
it's not like someone comes along and
says hey here's a bit of recovery go on
your way you've done it's not like that
it's we've got put in the work and it's
hard work but the way I kind of see it
is living with BPD was harder and I'd
remind myself that like I know this is
tough now but once I'm in recovery I'm
gonna have an amazing life and I don't
know where I got that hope from really
because I wasn't following anyone on
YouTube I wasn't why didn't know anyone
in recovery at the time from BPD but I
have this glimmer of hope that things
would be okay I just felt this like
everything's gonna be okay
keep doing what you're doing and I did
and I sell a YouTube channel which
helped me so much
hello catty Cerberus and um yeah it just
took time it took patience there were
steps backwards but rather than beating
myself up for the think er oh this is
never gonna work
I just reminded myself keep doing what
you're doing just keep doing what you're
doing little baby steps every day and
that's why I did and life today is good
I don't live in chaos my life is well I
say I don't live in chaos have four
children so it's a bit chaotic but not
the chaos that I was used to it's
different kind of chaos and the
else's okay um it is about putting in
the work now I don't know everyone might
have access to DBT but in my book the
big book on borderline personality
disorder for every trait I have got a
section on coping skills and there's
lots of different skills for each trait
that you can put into practice today you
don't need to be part of a group to do
that it it says it I've really simply
enough that anyone can understand and
anyone can say okay I'm gonna do this
today we're gonna try this and just try
different things and the more you do it
the quicker you will start to notice
changes they might seem small and
insignificant they add up into big and
significant till you are living the life
that you deserve to live free from being
controlled by your emotions free from
the pain and the unstable relationships
the self-hatred but it just takes time
but you anyone absolutely anyone can do
it absolutely anyone there's no if
someone says no it's not for me that's
rubbish you can recover you have it
within you to do it but you've got to
put the work in now like I said you've
got to remind yourself that yes it might
seem painful but actually living with
BPD is a lot more painful so I believe
that they're guys I'll be back on Friday
and I love you loads