Today we look at the acronym Dear Man – Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce Mindful, Appear, Negotiate. This is objective Effectiveness – we can use these skills to help us get our objective, goals or needs met.

hi my lovelies happy Wednesday today I'm
doing a DBT video on interpersonal
effectiveness which I've promised that I
will be I would have done for about two
years and I haven't done it so I
apologize but I'm gonna do it now I'm
going to break it into a few different
videos because it is quite a big section
to cover those of us with BPD know that
relationships cause us all kinds of
problems sometimes we can be overly
aggressive with someone that can cause
problems sometimes we can be
passive-aggressive that can cause
problems sometimes we just don't know
how to ask for what we want and we let
people walk all over us and then we
build resentments and that causes loads
of problems we can project on to other
I was thinking actually about getting
what we want because that is the section
that I'm going to discuss today in DBT
acronyms are often used today we're
doing objective effectiveness and the
acronym used this dear man and like I
said it's about getting what we want so
I was thinking how I used to react life
I wanted something and I didn't get it I
thought I would cry and I'm sure like
people would think that I was just being
really manipulative but actually it I
mean I never did it to manipulate I just
reacted if I didn't get my own way I
start crying or I would salt very much
like a child like three or four-year-old
who goes into a shop and want some
sweets or candy and they're told no and
they kick and scream that was me and
that's how I would react and it never
did me any favors
people weren't like oh she's crying and
throwing a tantrum we'll give her what
she wants it just didn't work like that
so yeah today I'm going to discuss dear
man and the way I remember it is I
imagine I'm writing a letter to a man
asking him for something that I want and
I'd write start the letter dear man and
that's how I remember it
so I'm gonna just put this here dear
the d stands for describe so when we're
in a situation like I said this is
objective effectiveness so this is
getting our needs met any goals or
objectives so just so we're in a
situation and we want something to
happen the first thing we need to do is
describe like what's going on so we are
not going to say how we feel we are not
going to start going into what we think
we literally just state the facts so for
example you're at work and you want a
pay rise okay so you go in to see your
boss and you are just going to say the
facts like I've worked here for five
years now
and I only ever received one pay rise
and that was three years ago you have
just said the facts you haven't said I
think you're taking the mick or I feel
really upset but you'd completely take
me for granted you're just stating the
facts you're just literally described
okay if in another situation just say
your partner comes home late from work
regularly and doesn't call you to say
I'm gonna be late home so you want some
change their him to either get home on
time or to at least phone you so you
know what's going on so when you
describe that you would say you can't
home quite regularly I'm late
regularly from work and you don't phone
me or and you haven't called me
so again just describe me you're not
saying I think you're having an affair
or do you even give a damn about me not
giving that describe describing then we
have e Express Express is all about I
statements now my statements are good in
the fact that by saying aye
we are not saying you when we say you
we're automatically kind of blaming the
other person and chances are they will
get defensive and they might start like
getting their back up and getting
annoyed with you or they might just
completely shut off and think I don't
have time for this no so instead of
saying you we use I statements so in the
case of asking for a job you can say I
feel I have worked really hard for this
company and I enjoy working here
and I feel I've worked here a long time
without getting a pay rise so that's all
you've said you've described it now it's
I I know you haven't given me a pay rise
I mean they're from you you you you
we're not blaming in the case of your
partner coming home late and not feeling
you could say I get really worried about
you when I don't know like where you are
because you're home late and I get
concerned so again it's not blaming it's
bringing it we're kind of taking
accountability for our own feelings
rather than saying you make me sick or
you make me feel sad or you okay my cat
um so that is expressed been a assert
this is where we're gonna ask for what
we want it's that simple because I know
I can speak from experience where I
could have this conversation just say
what's the part coming home from work
and I would have probably done it all
wrong by now anyway and say you you you
you but I wouldn't actually tell them
what I need to happen what I want to
happen so it might be like I just want
you to phone me a couple of hours before
you're coming home to give me notice
that you're gonna be late now
I wouldn't have done that I would have
just had a go at them for being late the
next day they would be late again I
would be distraught angry but actually I
haven't said clearly to them I need you
to phone me I would like you to come
home early or whatever it is that I want
people can't read our minds that is HUGE
because I kind of just thought if I
reacted in this way I went back your
late home bah bah bah they would know
that I want them to phone a few hours
before but they don't know that because
I haven't said it I so it's really
really important that we explained
exactly what we want so there can be no
misunderstanding so we're not expecting
them to read our minds so if in the
place of like going for wanting a pay
rise after you've described and you've
expressed you then say I think or I
would like to have a pair of bodies
asking that's it let them know because
otherwise we might go away and if we
haven't asked we're not going to get and
the whole point of objective
effectiveness is to get our goals or
needs met right say ah reinforce now
reinforcing something is like to make it
stronger so we want to make our case
stronger so the way we do this is by
letting the other person know how they
will benefit from accepting our
so in the case of the job going for
wanting the money pay right you could
say if I receive this pay rise I will be
much more inclined to continue working
as hard as I'm working giving this
company my all because I will feel like
they are appreciative of my work and I
enjoy working here and I can throw
myself into air and barley Rodney Rock
so you let them know actually by doing
this you're gonna keep a real hard
worker in fact you might work that
they're harder for them because you will
feel appreciated in the case of a part I
mean home late you could say if you
phone beforehand and we won't end up
having this argument you know I could
put your dinner on a bit later or I can
make plans and then we're both happy so
you let them know actually this isn't
just all about you this helps the
relationship so you will both benefit
from this because opponent doesn't want
to come home and walk through the door
and have us game and so if we can let
them know actually you know we'll be
much calmer I won't have to keep phoning
you a thousand times
oh just know where you are and what
you're doing so we're now going to go on
to the man so we've done dare describe
express assert and reinforce man M
mindful it's so important that when
we're doing this we are mindful and walk
I mean by mindful ways we're keeping it
in the moment we're keeping our mind
focused on our objective focused on the
conversation we're not getting
distracted and going off on a tangent we
need to like just completely focus on
what it is we want and like I said our
objective from where we are where we're
getting with our objective now we might
find the other person goes on the attack
or it's not really feeling it and my
partner my so I can say I don't have to
phone you how can i phone you
I am busy working in this case you
literally you just go back to the jump
back to assert you say what it is you
want you reinforce it by letting them
know how it benefits both and you does
it you repeat yourself and they might
try again go back to a SERP say look
this is what I want because sometimes we
have to go over and over and over and
repeat yourself a few times before we
heard and it's the same as if we're in a
workplace we're wanting a pay rise we
say what we want and we reinforce and we
do it mindfully and if they're like oh
just go back to assert gave that to
reinforce and continue and that's it
repeat repeat repeat and don't just okay
okay a appear confident if I'm just
gonna ask for a pay rise and I go in and
again I was just thinking I've worked
really hard at this place and then I was
just thinking maybe if I could have a
little bit more money that be is anyone
gonna take me seriously if I'm doing
that if I'm looking at them I'm making
eye contact I hold my head high
and I'm like I have worked at this
company a long time I would like a pay
rise I think it is in your benefit
because you have a loyal worker here
that strives to better themselves you're
much more likely to get them to engage
in you rather than them thinking to
appear confident it is really really
important that we do that
and finally negotiate we might not get
exactly what we want but that doesn't
mean we have to walk away with
absolutely nothing we've got to be
willing to like give and take so in the
case of the job they might say oh well
you know things are tight at the moment
and you say well it doesn't have to be a
big increase but some kind of increase
would be good or maybe you could say
well could I get some extra holiday time
time off paid holiday instead and just
be willing to negotiate if it's with
your partner and they're like you know I
have a meeting at the last thing every
day how am I supposed to phone you say
well could you just send a little text
beforehand either before the meeting or
I excuse yourself go to the toilet and
send a text just to let me know and come
to some kind for green so that my
lovelies is objectives effectiveness how
to get what we want without being
manipulative without losing our
self-respect you know and for it to be
effective for it to work for us
because often the way we go about things
we don't get what we want in fact we get
what we don't want and it's not nice for
any of us
now I'm going to be back with the
relationship effectiveness and I'm going
to be back with the self-respect
effectiveness in a few days
but I love you always and I'll be back
on Friday
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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