hi i'm lovelyz happy Monday I've noticed
I'm getting new subscribers all the time
so if you're new welcome my name is
Serena my channel is recovery mom and
that is me I am in a recovery from my
mental health borderline personality
disorder drug addiction alcoholism
anxiety depression bulimia I've kind of
just been there and I tell you how I got
well so if you are new welcome don't
forget to click the subscribe button I
have new videos out every week I had
something really exciting happen to me
yesterday
I met one of you I met lovely young lady
called Catherine while I was out doing
my live weekly shop getting the kids
lunchbox stuff and it was amazing I got
to give her a hug so Catherine if you're
watching hi I always say guys if I meet
you I just want to talk you and no doubt
at some point I will get to I'm coming
for you today I'm continuing on from
interpersonal effectiveness which we did
last week interpersonal effectiveness is
one of the sections of DBT dialectical
dialectical behavior therapy and it's
hugely important and I apologize again
that it has taken me so long to do this
section I've done emotion regulation
I've done distress tolerance that
actually interpersonal effectiveness is
huge for the simple fact a lot of our
problems are caused by our relationships
so last week I touched on dear man and I
touched on give today I'm doing fast
so we're going to do man give fast this
can be used basically in any kind of
relationship it could be a work
colleague it could be a family member it
might be a partner and fast is very much
self-respect effective
keeping our self-respect so like I said
it doesn't have to be used either in a
huge argument it might just be just a
regular conversation but we can use this
stuff so F fair
and when I say fair is not just be fair
to the other person we've got to be fair
to ourselves how often do we go and put
other people's needs before our own
that's not fair on us and actually we
might do that I know I used to do that
all the time and it was great to start
with because I was a real people pleaser
just like me like me and um so I would
put their needs before my own but in
time it just wouldn't feel so good and I
think this isn't being reciprocated and
eventually I would build a massive big
fat resentment and I'd have all this
anger bubbling inside that I couldn't
express at least not to that person in a
civil conversation instead odd let it
bubbling side and I'd either take that
anger out on myself at a later date or I
just completely explode and have like a
big moment that's someone who didn't
deserve to have my anger taken out on
them so being fair is about being fair
to ourselves yes of course being fair to
other people as well I know that but are
we putting someone else's needs before
our own cause do you know what our needs
matter now the way we do that and be
fair is not only not putting someone
else's needs before our own the way we
do that is being assertive not
aggressive no but being assertive and
we've talked about being assertive in
previous videos and how important is and
and it is important because you don't
want to be walking around with a big fat
resentment carried around with you trust
me
a apologies and this doesn't mean after
you can see in brackets no no apologies
how often do we find ourselves
apologizing for absolutely everything
like I'm sorry I'm breathing I'm sorry I
looked at you I'm so sorry I'm so sorry
and the reason we do this is those of us
with BPD we do have a fear of
abandonment we think people are going to
leave us it doesn't feel good and we
want people to like us and so we think
by apologizing that they will like us
because we like oh I'm sorry I'm sorry
I'm sorry
also we don't like confrontation I mean
don't get me wrong there are times I
went looking for confrontation just so I
could have an argument and I'm not I'm
not talking about that but in general a
lot of us don't
and again I think it's because we have
that fear that if it does get
confrontational and it does become a
huge argument that person is gonna leave
us so we then end up apologizing for
things that we shouldn't be apologizing
for and that might be I'm sorry I'm
breathing it might be just it could be
sorry for anything but what I'm talking
about is is your apology justified have
you actually done something wrong now if
I'd actually done something really wrong
then yes I should apologize for it but
actually if I haven't done in the thing
I shouldn't be going I'm really sorry
I'm so sorry I'm so sorry because it's
just something to look out for because I
know a lot of us do it not because we
don't like people being angry at us we
want people to like us and so we can't
really move apologize
stick to values we know what's right for
us we but kind of we should know our
values we might not just know them off
the top of a it but everybody think we
know if something sits right with us and
it's important that we do stick to the
values rather than going against them so
for example we might have friends that
we're really close with and we really
love our friends and we love seeing our
friends and we know how important our
relationship with our friends is but
then we meet someone a love interest and
just say every Friday we usually go out
with our friends but we've met this new
person we say to them oh I'm going to
see my friends Friday and they say oh
don't you want to go to the movies with
me don't you want to stay on with me if
a lot of us would go I will completely
drop our friends out that goes against
our values we know the right thing to do
is to not drop our friends out go and
see our friends but instead we put that
other person's needs going back to the F
fair what we put theirs before our own
like said we know it's not right we know
we should still see our friends but we
don't do it because we kind of feel like
we've got to do what's right for this
person and it's important we don't do
this again I suppose for the similar
reason that over time we might then
start building up real resentments
against that person other relationships
can break down because of it and what is
one problem can become lots of different
problems for us whereas if we stick to
what is right for me what feels right
for me if we stick to that you can't go
wrong
because they're our values they're not
our partners values they're not our
friends they're ours what is right for
us truthful be truthful don't lie when
you having this conversation often like
if we want a conversation now I'm not
saying you guys do this but I know I
used to if I wanted a conversation to go
certain way and it wasn't going the way
I wanted I could not like outright lie
but start kind of manipulating it and
what I mean by that is I might start
exaggerating things to make my like why
you should do what I want to do
exaggerating it the reason when it
didn't need to be exaggerated I should
have just been truthful or another thing
like we can start like playing the
victim or acting helpless which is a lie
we're not being truthful but we want
this situation to our way and basically
it's manipulation and we don't realize
it at the time because I know those of
us with BPD always get blamed for being
manipulators and yes I acknowledge the
fact and accept responsibility that yes
I have manipulated people before but I
didn't actually outright consciously do
it it was just part of my behavior which
I'm not saying was right but when we
come into a recovery we've got to start
taking responsibility for these things
and recognizing when we're not being
truthful when we might be manipulating
now it doesn't happen straight away like
none of this happens straightaway
recovery doesn't happen straight away it
takes time but you will get there and
the further in recovery come the more
self-aware you become so when you are
having conversation with someone and
you're thinking it's
coming my way how can I make it go my
way
just think am i exaggerating am i acting
a bit helpless or sulky or am i being
truthful because it's really important
that we are truthful because we expect
other people to be truthful to us and so
we should be truthful as well and the
thing is we don't necessarily go out of
the way to lie and they're not
necessarily big lies but are they being
completely honest as well are we being
completely honest and so we need to look
at that so in any conversation that we
have ask yourself am I being fair to
them and that my being fair to myself am
i over apologizing are my apologies
justified or am i apologizing for
everything in anything just because I
want this person to like me am i
sticking to my values am i doing lots
it's right for me or am I forgetting my
needs and forgetting like what was right
for me and putting someone else's
performed like knees before my own and
truthful am i being completely honest
here or am I trying to steer the
conversation in a certain way just to
get what I want so that my lovelies is
fast from interpersonal effectiveness
from DBT I will be back on Wednesday I
have a guest this week the lovely Chris
from the rewired soul and his video will
be out in the next couple of days so I
love you all loads and I can't wait to
hug you all