I'm a lovelyz happy Friday I am back
with another DBT video and I'm
continuing on with interpersonal
effectiveness today we are going to
discuss relationship effectiveness now
we know that we struggle with
relationships our relationships are
intense they're unstable sometimes we
struggle even to get a relationship
sometimes we can get it but we just
can't keep it and relationship
effectiveness is all about getting
keeping maintaining relationships and
this is really important because like
I've said to you before those of us with
BPD
one of the things that causes us the
most amount of pain is our relationships
now it doesn't have to be girlfriend
boyfriend girlfriend girlfriend husband
wife boyfriend boyfriend it doesn't have
to be that it might be a relationship
with your next-door neighbor it might be
a relationship with a work colleague it
might be a sibling a parent or whoever
the skills taught today will really come
in handy when you are having an
important conversation with someone it
doesn't have to be a big deep
conversation it just in general when we
are having a conversation these skills
are good to use so the acronym used is
gif the way I remember it is if we want
to get out of it like not get out if we
want to get something out of a
relationship we need to put in we need
to give to get so that is how I remember
it
give the G is for gentle so when we're
having a conversation with someone about
whatever it might be about if we go in
on the attack or making judgments or
being sarcastic or making threats or
telling someone what to do
cesare they're not going to like it who
would like here if you win in and you're
like you should do this you're a babe
and just basically going completely on
the attack maybe making threats if you
don't do this
I'll kill myself or we won't be friends
anymore
this is immediately going to get
someone's back up and the conversation
will likely turn into a big argument
which we don't want so we need to be
gentle
imagine you are talking to a child
if you have to not like dumbing it down
so much that they feel you are being
really patronizing because again
patronizing they will not like but just
being gentle in the way you talk to them
in the language that you use in your
facial expressions etc not hmm the I
interested now we might not be
interested all the time but if that
shows that we are uninterested the
conversations not going to really get
anywhere the relationship is gonna hit a
dead end so it's important that we do
show an interest whether or not we're
interested if we were talking to someone
about something that meant something to
us and they go we would chance our shut
down we wouldn't really want to carry on
with the conversation and other people
are the same so we need to be interested
make eye contact with them not wrong if
you have to let them
if they are trying to say something and
we keep butting in and interrupting them
that doesn't show we're interested it
shows that we are trying to dominate and
control the conversation and again
they're probably going to cut off from
that validate V is for validate it's
important that we do validate because we
know how it feels for how our feelings
invalidated and it's horrible
so it's important when we are having a
conversation with someone that means
something to us like we care about this
relationship it's important we in fact
validate their feelings their their
opinions what they warn and say like
comments like I understand why you feel
angry or I understand why you want
such-and-such or I understand why you
feel this way or you think this way and
this is your opinion and I do get that
those kind of statements of validating
statements and it's important we do that
because like I said we hate it when we
we're invalidated so we should learn to
validate other people as well easy
manner to smile smile be relaxed if
you're not smiling and you're all tense
it can feel quite threatening people can
feel like they're being bullied into
doing something that they don't want to
do it might be not outright bullying
maybe we're making threats or we're
making them feel guilty the problem with
this if we go about it this way and
someone just goes along with us because
they feel guilty if they don't that's
not going to help the relationship long
term long term they will build a
resentment with us and it will come out
in other ways at a later date so it's
important we don't do that if we are
open
relaxed and friendly maybe light-hearted
and we can smile and laugh with them
people are gonna be much more inclined
to listen to us and have the
conversation they're not going to be
thinking oh my god I just want this
conversation to end I can't I need to
get away from this person right now
they're gonna feel much more relaxed
themselves and overall the relationship
will benefit from this so that my
lovelies is relationship effectiveness
and it sounds simple right it's easy
give gentle interested validate smile
easy manner just smile and it is simple
but we over complicate things and we can
get run by our emotions and and then we
don't come across as gentle we don't
come across as interesting we don't
validate the other person we certainly
don't have an easy manner and the
relationship will really suffer because
of this it takes practice it is not
something that you will just start doing
straightaway you might go in gently and
the other person might have had a bad
day and there'll be a bit grumpy we can
really take this like as a personal
attack on us and then rather than game
nodding along or being interested in
validating them we to go on the attack
so it's really I mean mindfulness is a
core skill Torn DBT keeping things in
the moment being mindful of things going
on around you and once you kind of learn
that you can use mindfulness in all
these other skills as well it can kind
of be used with lots of different things
if not just on its own so if you've like
learn mindfulness then when you're
trying to be gentle and someone does go
on the attack you can kind of just keep
it in man it's not personal
and not looking at it judgmental you're
thinking they are personally having that
so like I said it's really really really
good skill to have it does take practice
and it can be practiced to start with
not on like the most distressing
situation or like a real issue that you
have in your relationship we can just
use it in any day conversation so maybe
your partner comes home from late from
work or they just come home they don't
have to be lately just come home from
work and you know how was your day and
just act interested and then I go off so
think oh yeah I can see you've seemed
really tired I understand that you're
working really hard and like and you're
using this skill and practicing it and
then when you do that it becomes easier
to use when actually you need to use it
in quite a serious situation so I
believe that they look there to take
guys have a wonderful weekend I love you
all loads not