This focuses on relationship effectiveness – how to get, keep and maintain relationships. Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner. It sounds simple enough but many of us struggle with our relationships and this is a wonderful skill to have.
I'm a lovelyz happy Friday I am back with another DBT video and I'm continuing on with interpersonal effectiveness today we are going to discuss relationship effectiveness now we know that we struggle with relationships our relationships are intense they're unstable sometimes we struggle even to get a relationship sometimes we can get it but we just can't keep it and relationship effectiveness is all about getting keeping maintaining relationships and this is really important because like I've said to you before those of us with BPD one of the things that causes us the most amount of pain is our relationships now it doesn't have to be girlfriend boyfriend girlfriend girlfriend husband wife boyfriend boyfriend it doesn't have to be that it might be a relationship with your next-door neighbor it might be a relationship with a work colleague it might be a sibling a parent or whoever the skills taught today will really come in handy when you are having an important conversation with someone it doesn't have to be a big deep conversation it just in general when we are having a conversation these skills are good to use so the acronym used is gif the way I remember it is if we want to get out of it like not get out if we want to get something out of a relationship we need to put in we need to give to get so that is how I remember it give the G is for gentle so when we're having a conversation with someone about whatever it might be about if we go in on the attack or making judgments or being sarcastic or making threats or telling someone what to do cesare they're not going to like it who would like here if you win in and you're like you should do this you're a babe and just basically going completely on the attack maybe making threats if you don't do this I'll kill myself or we won't be friends anymore this is immediately going to get someone's back up and the conversation will likely turn into a big argument which we don't want so we need to be gentle imagine you are talking to a child if you have to not like dumbing it down so much that they feel you are being really patronizing because again patronizing they will not like but just being gentle in the way you talk to them in the language that you use in your facial expressions etc not hmm the I interested now we might not be interested all the time but if that shows that we are uninterested the conversations not going to really get anywhere the relationship is gonna hit a dead end so it's important that we do show an interest whether or not we're interested if we were talking to someone about something that meant something to us and they go we would chance our shut down we wouldn't really want to carry on with the conversation and other people are the same so we need to be interested make eye contact with them not wrong if you have to let them if they are trying to say something and we keep butting in and interrupting them that doesn't show we're interested it shows that we are trying to dominate and control the conversation and again they're probably going to cut off from that validate V is for validate it's important that we do validate because we know how it feels for how our feelings invalidated and it's horrible so it's important when we are having a conversation with someone that means something to us like we care about this relationship it's important we in fact validate their feelings their their opinions what they warn and say like comments like I understand why you feel angry or I understand why you want such-and-such or I understand why you feel this way or you think this way and this is your opinion and I do get that those kind of statements of validating statements and it's important we do that because like I said we hate it when we we're invalidated so we should learn to validate other people as well easy manner to smile smile be relaxed if you're not smiling and you're all tense it can feel quite threatening people can feel like they're being bullied into doing something that they don't want to do it might be not outright bullying maybe we're making threats or we're making them feel guilty the problem with this if we go about it this way and someone just goes along with us because they feel guilty if they don't that's not going to help the relationship long term long term they will build a resentment with us and it will come out in other ways at a later date so it's important we don't do that if we are open relaxed and friendly maybe light-hearted and we can smile and laugh with them people are gonna be much more inclined to listen to us and have the conversation they're not going to be thinking oh my god I just want this conversation to end I can't I need to get away from this person right now they're gonna feel much more relaxed themselves and overall the relationship will benefit from this so that my lovelies is relationship effectiveness and it sounds simple right it's easy give gentle interested validate smile easy manner just smile and it is simple but we over complicate things and we can get run by our emotions and and then we don't come across as gentle we don't come across as interesting we don't validate the other person we certainly don't have an easy manner and the relationship will really suffer because of this it takes practice it is not something that you will just start doing straightaway you might go in gently and the other person might have had a bad day and there'll be a bit grumpy we can really take this like as a personal attack on us and then rather than game nodding along or being interested in validating them we to go on the attack so it's really I mean mindfulness is a core skill Torn DBT keeping things in the moment being mindful of things going on around you and once you kind of learn that you can use mindfulness in all these other skills as well it can kind of be used with lots of different things if not just on its own so if you've like learn mindfulness then when you're trying to be gentle and someone does go on the attack you can kind of just keep it in man it's not personal and not looking at it judgmental you're thinking they are personally having that so like I said it's really really really good skill to have it does take practice and it can be practiced to start with not on like the most distressing situation or like a real issue that you have in your relationship we can just use it in any day conversation so maybe your partner comes home from late from work or they just come home they don't have to be lately just come home from work and you know how was your day and just act interested and then I go off so think oh yeah I can see you've seemed really tired I understand that you're working really hard and like and you're using this skill and practicing it and then when you do that it becomes easier to use when actually you need to use it in quite a serious situation so I believe that they look there to take guys have a wonderful weekend I love you all loads not
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.