There are times when we may end a relationship because it simply isn’t working for us…only to find months and months later that our ex has moved on with someone else and we are left heart-broken! Why does this happen when we were the ones to end it? Are we entitled to feel this way? How do we cope when this happens?

hi guys happy Tuesday I don't usually do
a video on a Tuesday but I had a lovely
young lady messaged me and she has a
dilemma and it's a real current dilemma
that she's going through so I thought
well I would get a video done ASAP and
get it put out there and I splits my
reason name for it was I could feel how
she felt because I've been there and
basically what she said is she ended a
relationship about a year ago and she's
just found out that her ex is seeing
someone else I think she's seen that on
social media and she's devastated and I
can remember so clearly going through
this I was 19 I had ended it with my
boyfriend and he begged me not to
I still when today I actually went out
with someone else quite soon after
believe it or not and about a year later
I found out he was seeing someone else
and it was just like the hurt and the
pain I can't tell you it was just
horrendous I then found out six months
later that he was he'd got her pregnant
and they were having a baby and I went
through it again and so people might say
well how you ended it so why are you
entitled to get upset the thing is when
we have four Deline personality disorder
we can often end a relationship because
it wasn't good for us we weren't happy
and we end it but we will often very
quickly move on or just distract
ourselves from our feelings so we don't
grieve and when a relationship ends we
need to grieve if it's the ending of
something but often we don't and there
were number of different reasons for
that but we'll move on and all of a
sudden if we find out at a later day
that our ex has moved on we can be left
feeling like cheated it brings up our
fear of abandonment we feel abandoned we
have a low self-esteem so it could make
us feel like we yeah we can feel reading
how to quit compared to their new
partner we might not know anything about
their new partner but we will
compare ourselves to them and our
thoughts start coming in and we start
imagining them doing all the things that
we did and like we were with that person
then cuddling on the sofa going for a
walk laughing how dare they and it's
just like a dagger to the heart for us
but here's the thing what's happened is
we didn't grieve at the time we ended it
we were adamant we don't want to know
we've just gone on and then all of a
sudden we've kind of had the option
taken away because sometimes we might
not consciously think it but at the back
of our head we could happen back
everyone that's what we might think and
when they've moved on we've had it that
option taken away but oh he doesn't want
to be with me he's with someone else and
we can feel left completely out of
control and we start to grieve because
we didn't grieve like the year ago when
we ended it was so adamant we didn't
grieve but there are a few things we can
do first of all allow yourself to grieve
no you didn't grieve back then and now
that's why you're going through it now
and grieving is a process it doesn't
happen overnight and you've got to
understand that this pain will not last
I know it's devastating but it will not
last time is a healer also it's very
easy like when we first breakup with
someone's get in a new relationship for
me like oh my ex this and that and we
say really hard things and we remind
ourselves of all the reasons we left
them but one for some when they get with
someone else we forget all those horrid
things and we just remember all the good
things and it's important at this time
to remind ourselves that actually we
ended it for a reason the relationship
wasn't working we were not happy if the
relationship was working we'd still be
together and we do need to remind
ourselves of that another thing we can
do is distraction so if in the evening
you can't go out it's late or embed your
mind is going over and over them
cuddling and kissing and all those
things you can dispatch yourself
mentally now I do mathematical swamps
because if you're trying to add up 112
plus 236 you can't really think of
anything else because you're focusing on
that other things are crosswords Sudoku
puzzles stuff like that so you're
mentally focusing on something else and
that will help if it's in the day you
could go and see friends distract
yourself by doing fun things it could be
exercise we're going for a walk and try
and keep busy but also know that yes you
are entitled to grieve it's just you
didn't grieve when it happened and so
now it's hit you and now you're going to
grieve but you're entitled to feel the
way you feel obviously we did end it so
we don't write that person doesn't
deserve us to hate them or be angry at
them because we ended it and we've got
to take responsibility for that but also
remind ourselves why we ended it rather
than just focusing on all the wonderful
things about them so I'm gonna leave
that there guys I love you all loads
yeah I'll be back tomorrow
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.

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