hi my lovelies today I'm doing a video
request when I used to first ask for
video requests I never used to write
down the name and this is a really old
request so I'm really sorry I do not
have the name to say hi but nowadays I
do write down the name so I can say hi
but right okay for what is it how to
make new friendships when we're
struggling without borderline when we're
struggling with anxiety because
friendships and having good solid
friendships is important in recovery it
can help us and and it is good for us
it is good for our mental health to have
close friendships friends that we can
turn to who we can trust here we can
open up to and talk to and who can help
support us on our journey but I also
know from my own experience that there
were times when I used to cut everyone
out and I was too anxious to leave the
house now the problem is when you start
cutting your friends out and um I got
lost again I don't have a name someone
mentioned about making plans and with
counseling that was me
I was always counting and when you start
doing them and cants implants all the
time people just stop asking you because
what's the point you're gonna cancel and
that that was what I did and so we get
to a place where we actually lose all
like the friendships that we do have and
so how how do we how do we overcome this
how do we build new friendships the
first thing I would say is it's building
a friendship
if friendship isn't just like oh I've
got best friend it takes time and it
takes effort on both parts so don't just
meet someone and think oh my god we're
not best friends it doesn't work I can't
make friends because it is just gonna
take a bit a time so don't just give up
before you've even begun
um secondly I would say if you're going
to make friends you want to make friends
have a look at the places that you
already go that you could possibly make
friendships there because we suffer with
anxiety we suffer with our mental health
the last thing we want to do is go
someone completely new when actually we
already have times in our lives well we
can make friends we have interactions
with others now that could be doing the
school run it could be work if you go to
the gym it could be there so you might
already have lots of different times in
your life we're making a friendship it's
possible you just haven't taken that
leap and decided to talk to people and
if you don't go out so you don't have
any interactions then obviously you are
going to have to go help if you want to
make friends because you have to
interact with others to do that so it's
very much having to step outside our
comfort zone and it's hard because we
were no little safe zone with no friends
but we want friends and so in order to
do it we have to step outside our zone
even if it makes us feel uncomfortable
the tip I would give you there was try
and make it as easy as possible for
yourself and choose somewhere to go that
you feel safe it might be a local coffee
shop that you pop into now and again it
might be a group that you go to or a
club but choose somewhere that is easy
for you don't just think where
I'm going to join that gym where it's
busy and crowded all the time and I'm
gonna go in there and make friends
because you're just gonna heighten your
anxiety so try and keep it as safe as
you can to start with I didn't mention
magic medication the thing is the last
thing we want to be saying it's not just
medicate yourself just take a load of
pills you'll be fine because medication
like I always say is not the fix up of
all things but if your anxiety is severe
severe severe it can help there are
medications you can take that can ease
it slightly now it's no good taking all
that medication and then still not
stepping outside your comfort zone and
just staying staying in your zone and
because what's the point what's the
point in taking that medication if
you're going to do that but if you've
got something that can ease it take that
step step outside your comfort zone but
it's like I said it's just something to
consider if your anxiety is really bad
um okay I'm losing where I'm going I
went off on one
take your time I suppose take your time
when you're making friends and don't
just rush in and think oh you've got me
my friend take things slowly talk to
different people don't also don't just
judge people and think no don't like the
look at you you won't be my friend
because I have a dear dear friend called
Kat I have a dear dear friend called Sam
and both of them when I met them for the
first time I really did not like them I
just didn't like them
oh my lovely friend Eve as well I didn't
we didn't like each other far a
beautiful friendship grew and they of my
very close friends now so don't just
judge someone on appearances like first
time you've met them now we're not gonna
be friends because that might not be the
case so take your time have
conversations with different people
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don't jump in there like be my friend
please be my friend I've got no friends
I've come here I want you to be my
friend because that will scare people I
don't think they'll work out too well
um but yeah like but if you're feeling
anxious be yourself be honest so if
you're with someone does that feel happy
to say feeling me anxious I actually
suffer with my anxiety chances are they
might have at some point suffered with
their anxiety - or if they haven't they
might just be really supportive and it
just talking about it might actually
ease your anxiety so do be yourself do
be able to say I suffer with my anxiety
and sometimes I don't like to go out
because that's okay to say that um be
consistent and what I mean by that is
like what I said at the beginning so
often we just make plans and cancel them
if like you've made a friend at the gym
or something and you see each other most
weeks and you have that chance the
friendships growing you know a bit more
about each other you talk about your
family life and and then all of a sudden
you think I'm not going this week I'm
not going this week and you just don't
go for a few weeks and then you have no
contact with that person you kind of
that friendships not going to go
anywhere you're not building on it it's
not going to grow so you need to be
consistent
and if you say you're going to be
somewhere when we leave there if you
make plans stick to them even if you
don't want to because if you start
canceling the first time it's very easy
to cancel the second and third it gets
easier and easier so you've kind of just
got the same fine I don't really don't
want to go but you know I want to I want
to have friends and make yourself go if
it is easier for you to like say be at
home because at home is your safe place
invite that person to your safe place
saying would you like to come round for
coffee if your safe place is a same
coffee house would you like to go here
and go somewhere that you feel
comfortable to start with um the more
you do these things the more you go out
and will you step outside your comfort
zone the more you start talking to
people the more your anxiety will
decrease it will get a lot easier but
it's just making yourself do it
sometimes rather than thinking will I
want an option of friends I want a few
friends and just say you've made a
lovely friend at weeding group and and
then you think I want friends somewhere
else I want more friends don't think oh
I've got to go to some I complete
different I've got to join a running
club or I've got to go to the school
more or make friends with all the moms
maybe you can be introduced to the
friends you made at reading power to
their friends and then you can have
mutual friends and your little
friendship group can expand that way so
it's a bit easier than trying to find
lots of different friends from all over
the place you've got a few mutual
friends and that little friendship group
can grow
and when you're more comfortable and you
can step outside your comfort zone again
and start building friendship
relationships elsewhere because
friendships are important because we can
feel so lonely and we often have so many
emotions as so many thoughts whizzing
around and just talking can help but if
you don't have friends that really
lessens the amount of people you can
talk to so I'm gonna leave that there
guys
but as always it's lovely doing a few
with you and and I will be back I don't
know in this videos going outside but
I'll be I'll be back I'll be back