hi my lovely is happy Wednesday today I
am doing a video request from the viral
Viking and he asked about me to do a
video on how to guide a person with BPD
back into your life after they've left
you now I've been asked this question
quite a few times because the thing is
when someone's in a relationship with
some of BPD the relationships often like
an emotional rollercoaster
we know that unstable relationships is
one of the traits of BPD and often
someone with BPD will end a relationship
and disappear now sometimes they do that
when the relationship was quite toxic so
maybe they were with someone who is
narcissistic or someone that just wasn't
with wasn't good for them someone that
didn't understand them until health
issues but there are also times when
someone with BPD is in a relationship
with the nicest person who really loves
them would do anything for them but the
person with BPD just leaves now I can't
give you all the answers and reasons why
people with BPD might leave a loving
relationship one thing I do know is that
our fear of abandonment can often have a
big influence on us and cause us
actually to think I'm getting out the
relationship before they hurt me because
that's the thing we live with this
constant fear that people are going to
leave us and sometimes it gets so much
that we just think I can't do it and we
end the relationship when we go that is
of course not the only reason we might
evil relationship maybe we just don't
feel that way about the person maybe
it's nothing to do with the BPD and the
relationship has just ended but
sometimes there we will leave a
relationship and we will have regrets
but maybe we will throw ourselves into
another relationship just to try and
cover up the hurt from the previous one
sometimes we want to go back but we just
don't have it in us to say I'm sorry I
didn't want to leave you will you have
me back sometimes we still have that
fear of abandonment so much that that
prevents us from going back because
we're sure we're going to get hurt so
the reasons that we may read leave a
relationship are massive there's so many
different reasons and I can't sit here
and speak on behalf of every single
person with BPD who is it ended
relationship basically but I have been
asked to do this video and I have been
asked quite a few times
the same question like how can I get
them back into my life and the first
thing I'd say is actually we're all
powerless over other people we can't
make anyone do anything it's as simple
as that if someone doesn't want to be
with us we cannot make them want to be
with us but what if that person does
want to be with us but just doesn't know
how to come back and so in that instance
I can kind of advise you but one bit of
advice I'll give you first is unless the
person with BPD is getting treatment and
they know they have a problem they're
trying to work on themselves
chances are if you get back together it
may end the same way eventually if the
borderlines still untreated and your
past relationship issues aren't sorted
it's really likely it's gonna happen
again and then you're gonna be her all
over again
first thing I'd say is if you can just
reach out to them and tell them be
honest how you feel I still love you
I don't understand why you left you
whatever you do you don't want to be
pointing the finger you left me dirt
because that's just not going to go well
I wouldn't like to receive a message
like that but all you can do is say like
explain how you feel
reach out and say I would still like to
be with you but don't push them too much
and let them know that you're there for
them if they need you and it might be as
a friend to start with it might be
though I'm here I understand that you
don't be with me right now but I love
you and I'm still here for you it'd be
good if we could message once in a while
and maybe just go slowly to start with
so the trust can start to be built back
up and take things slowly don't just
rush because that's well that's the
nature of the BPD relationship we rush
in and we rush out because the extreme
emotions and we're like oh my god I love
him so much or I love her so much and
then our fear of abandonment creeps in
and unless we're doing something to help
with that it's not just gonna disappear
so I would always just say first of all
make sure you're ready for this
relationship because unfortunately
relationships with those of us with BPD
they are intense but they're also
unstable they are like an emotional
roller coaster and it's very easy when
someone has left to think oh I loved
them so much it was so wonderful and
actually forget about
the upheaval in the relationship and the
pains caused so if you are aware of that
and you know this is how the
relationships likely to still carry on
going like this and you're sure you
still want to do it then go ahead and
reach out but don't reach out and then
at the next hurdle be like oh I didn't
want to go back with you because do you
know what that's just really damaging
for those of us with BPD we need people
to be understanding that's not to say
people have to put up with our like
rubbish because it's important to have
boundaries in place but um also who
don't reach out and say let's be
together I've got a load of boundaries
big I don't think they're gonna like
that too much but you definitely have to
kind of go over why they left and let
them talk and be honest and the thing is
maybe they have moved on I can't speak
on behalf of anyone maybe they have
maybe they haven't I don't know but I'm
literally just boarding you so you can't
say you told me to get back wait but
yeah take things take things slowly and
resolve past issues and listen take time
to listen and actually hear what they're
saying and if they are the persons with
BPD like look I just don't feel that way
I don't wanna be with you you hear your
best just walking away and focusing on
yourself because to carry on is only
gonna cause you both harms in the long
run so I'll leave that there but I will
be back in a week love you