I get asked this question a lot. Unfortunately there are times when a person with BPD leaves a genuinely loving and supportive partner. It is these partners that I hear from, asking me how they can persuade their ex to come back. Today I discuss this topic.
hi my lovely is happy Wednesday today I am doing a video request from the viral Viking and he asked about me to do a video on how to guide a person with BPD back into your life after they've left you now I've been asked this question quite a few times because the thing is when someone's in a relationship with some of BPD the relationships often like an emotional rollercoaster we know that unstable relationships is one of the traits of BPD and often someone with BPD will end a relationship and disappear now sometimes they do that when the relationship was quite toxic so maybe they were with someone who is narcissistic or someone that just wasn't with wasn't good for them someone that didn't understand them until health issues but there are also times when someone with BPD is in a relationship with the nicest person who really loves them would do anything for them but the person with BPD just leaves now I can't give you all the answers and reasons why people with BPD might leave a loving relationship one thing I do know is that our fear of abandonment can often have a big influence on us and cause us actually to think I'm getting out the relationship before they hurt me because that's the thing we live with this constant fear that people are going to leave us and sometimes it gets so much that we just think I can't do it and we end the relationship when we go that is of course not the only reason we might evil relationship maybe we just don't feel that way about the person maybe it's nothing to do with the BPD and the relationship has just ended but sometimes there we will leave a relationship and we will have regrets but maybe we will throw ourselves into another relationship just to try and cover up the hurt from the previous one sometimes we want to go back but we just don't have it in us to say I'm sorry I didn't want to leave you will you have me back sometimes we still have that fear of abandonment so much that that prevents us from going back because we're sure we're going to get hurt so the reasons that we may read leave a relationship are massive there's so many different reasons and I can't sit here and speak on behalf of every single person with BPD who is it ended relationship basically but I have been asked to do this video and I have been asked quite a few times the same question like how can I get them back into my life and the first thing I'd say is actually we're all powerless over other people we can't make anyone do anything it's as simple as that if someone doesn't want to be with us we cannot make them want to be with us but what if that person does want to be with us but just doesn't know how to come back and so in that instance I can kind of advise you but one bit of advice I'll give you first is unless the person with BPD is getting treatment and they know they have a problem they're trying to work on themselves chances are if you get back together it may end the same way eventually if the borderlines still untreated and your past relationship issues aren't sorted it's really likely it's gonna happen again and then you're gonna be her all over again first thing I'd say is if you can just reach out to them and tell them be honest how you feel I still love you I don't understand why you left you whatever you do you don't want to be pointing the finger you left me dirt because that's just not going to go well I wouldn't like to receive a message like that but all you can do is say like explain how you feel reach out and say I would still like to be with you but don't push them too much and let them know that you're there for them if they need you and it might be as a friend to start with it might be though I'm here I understand that you don't be with me right now but I love you and I'm still here for you it'd be good if we could message once in a while and maybe just go slowly to start with so the trust can start to be built back up and take things slowly don't just rush because that's well that's the nature of the BPD relationship we rush in and we rush out because the extreme emotions and we're like oh my god I love him so much or I love her so much and then our fear of abandonment creeps in and unless we're doing something to help with that it's not just gonna disappear so I would always just say first of all make sure you're ready for this relationship because unfortunately relationships with those of us with BPD they are intense but they're also unstable they are like an emotional roller coaster and it's very easy when someone has left to think oh I loved them so much it was so wonderful and actually forget about the upheaval in the relationship and the pains caused so if you are aware of that and you know this is how the relationships likely to still carry on going like this and you're sure you still want to do it then go ahead and reach out but don't reach out and then at the next hurdle be like oh I didn't want to go back with you because do you know what that's just really damaging for those of us with BPD we need people to be understanding that's not to say people have to put up with our like rubbish because it's important to have boundaries in place but um also who don't reach out and say let's be together I've got a load of boundaries big I don't think they're gonna like that too much but you definitely have to kind of go over why they left and let them talk and be honest and the thing is maybe they have moved on I can't speak on behalf of anyone maybe they have maybe they haven't I don't know but I'm literally just boarding you so you can't say you told me to get back wait but yeah take things take things slowly and resolve past issues and listen take time to listen and actually hear what they're saying and if they are the persons with BPD like look I just don't feel that way I don't wanna be with you you hear your best just walking away and focusing on yourself because to carry on is only gonna cause you both harms in the long run so I'll leave that there but I will be back in a week love you
This transcript was auto-generated and therefore may contain mistakes.